UMNO to send Dr. M to space

In a move that shocked worldwide space community, Nazri announced that the government has cancelled the next kosmonaut search and will send Dr. M instead. “We can’t find a better way, there is no better candidate,” Nazri said. According to our reliable source, the government is also nominating Dr. M to be Malaysian permanent ambassador to the International Space Station. "He will be there for at least 10 years," Nazri added.

The news was met with tears from the hopeful quartet who have been training day and night for the event. “I’ve been training to sit still all this while. I finally managed not to move for 24 hours yesterday, and they suddenly cancelled our trip,” Kamaluddin said. “I can’t eat my favorite roti canai and teh tarik in space anymore,” Vanajah sobbed. Muszhapar slammed Dr. M for using his political influence to get the free ride. “I thought the government is implementing meritocracy, now they let him in using a different route,” he questioned BKC.

According to Nazri, who is taking over the program, while physical fitness is important, it only counts for 10% in overall grading. “We are looking for those with excellent verbal skill because we want to see if sound can travel in the outer space. Dr. M will take off his helmet and start screaming while space walking. We’ll find out if we can hear him,” Nazri added.

Training for Dr. M will commence next year. “We have asked Disney to build the Space Mountain ride in Johor, and we will put Dr. M on the ride 24-hours a day for 3 months. After that he’ll be ready,” Nazri clarified.

Elsewhere, Malaysian rumor mills are busy speculating that Siti is about to diversify into precious metal mining industry. “She is about to secure a mine and will start digging in August. Wait for the announcement in July,” a source told BKC.

Khairy and Kalimulah swore by books too

Not to be outdone by Mathias, Khairy and Kalimulah summoned Malay, English and Tamil newspaper reporters to their press conference in Putrajaya last night.

Kalimulah started the attack by announcing that the duo will swear by their books to proof their innocence. “I swear by the Lord of the Rings and JRR Tolkien,” he said. “Inye sanya fuume o Khairy, inye melindo,” he went on to swear in broken Quenya. “If that is not the truth, may Tolkien return and hit me now,” he added. Khairy produced his complete Harry Potter collection and placed his palm on the Half-Blood Prince. “I may not be the full-blood prince, but I swear at least I am half-blood by marriage,” he declared.

To further back up his claim, Khairy went on to produce Anthony Robbins’ latest book, ‘Inner Strength: Harnessing the Power of your Father-in-law’. “I swear by every single word in this book,” he said. “Mr. Robbins is a genius mat salleh,” he added.

When asked for clarifications by BKC correspondent, Mr. Robbins confirmed that he indeed wrote the book based on Khairy. “According to our researcher, for him alone, the power of father-in-law is worth at least 1 trillion,” he said. “If you have a father-in-law, you should harness his power as soon as possible. Believe me, it won’t last forever,” he told BKC. “Buy and read my book if you don’t know how,” he clarified. Anthony went on to claim that as the first person in the new millennium to uncover the power of father-in-law, Khairy is indeed a world-class Malaysian. “He is a true visionary, I am writing to the Nobel committee to nominate him for the economics prize this year,” he declared.

Elsewhere, Proton revealed that the previous management decided to buy Augusta because they realized they don’t know how to make cars from scratch. “After we took over, we realized that we don’t know how to make motorcycle from scratch too,” Zainal said. “Rather than keeping two things we don’t know of, we decided to sell one. We will buy Double Happiness bicycle brand from China this year,” he explained.

Teachers' Pregnancies On The Rise

Not more than a few weeks after hundreds of teachers were transferred to Johor, the state health officials reported huge increase in pregnancies among its graduate teachers. “This is mind boggling,” declared spokesperson Taktahu bin Sebab from Johor Bahru yesterday. “Their husbands are not around, and we have no idea how they can get pregnant this fast,” he added.

According to our correspondent in Johor, the state agency also reported huge increase in marriages, among teachers that were transferred to the state. “We handle nothing but hundreds of teachers’ marriages this week. All of them are graduates, and all of them are getting married for the second or third time,” Marilah binti Kawin, marriage registrar of the state said. “While most of them took conventional brides, a number of the teachers also opt for misyar marriage with fellow teachers who are also married,” she added. The state ICT infrastructure is said to be struggling to cope with sudden jump in application process. “Our Johor Super Corridor system crashed five times yesterday,” Marilah added.

While frowned upon by certain quarters, the cabinet’s decision to uphold the Education Department ruling is widely received as a masterstroke. “Only genius like Hishamuddin can come up with this,” Prof. Law Hiau of Self Help Institute said. “How else can you solve surplus women problem in Johor?” he asked.

Furthermore, according to Prof Law, coordination among government agencies in Malaysia shows that the country has achieved a world class status. “Before transferring the married teachers, they floated the misyar marriage idea to the public. Otherwise, these teachers will have problems fulfilling their needs,” he clarified. “It is indeed forward looking, very progressive and we profoundly owe our progress to the leadership and vision of Pak Lah in picking his cabinet members,” he added.

Elsewhere, in his latest act of defiance, Samy yesterday declared that he will not attend meeting with PAC and will try to sweet talk Bollywood actresses Urmila Matondkar and Esha Deol instead. “Both of them are upset and so am I,” Samy told reporters in Shah Alam. “We are disappointed that they are not doing the shootout movie, but I told them to come here to play-play with me because I can pay-pay,” he added.

Dr. M to search for answers

Frustrated at not being able to get answers for his questions, Dr. M today announced that he is jumping on the ICT bandwagon and will look for answers from the internet himself. “None of them can give me answers, and I heard about this google thing,” he told reporters from his house this morning. “If I can’t get answers from Malaysian ministers, I am going to get it from Mat Sallehs who are definitely smarter. I wish someone told me earlier about the internet, I wouldn’t have created such a big commotion. No point asking half-past-six people for answers,” he added.

“I am going to google all my questions from now on,” Dr M vowed. “They got all the answers, just need to learn how to type and use mouse,” he added. According to daughter Marina, her father will start his ICT training today. “They are going to teach him how to use the mouse first,” she said. “We expect the training to last at least 1 year, after which he’ll be able to surf the net by himself,” she added. “I don’t think it’s too late, we’re sure by then he still won’t get his answers anyway,” she clarified.

Meanwhile at MITI, upon receiving the directive from Pak Lah, Rafidah today announced that she has directed her deputy to answer the questions posed by Dr. M because answering to a former PM is not listed in her job description. “Go and check Buku Panduan Menteri and tell me I am wrong,” she said defiantly. According to our source at MITI, her deputies are currently reading their Buku Panduan to determine if they too can be exempted from answering to a former PM. “I will direct my assistant if I don’t have to answer the questions,” Deputy Ahmad said. “I will come back to you next month,” Deputy Ng told reporters when asked whether he will answer the questions.

Elsewhere, Guinness Book of Records today announced the inclusion of Putrajaya Office of Department of Immigration for their achievement in making foreigners queue outside their office unnecessarily every day. “We have to create a new category, but I truly believe they deserve the inclusion,” Mr. Frigatti said. Pak Lah immediately congratulated the department for their world class status.

Ministers rushed behind Pak Lah

Upon hearing the criticism leveled on Pak lah by Dr. M, UMNO ministers, led by Najib, rushed to get behind the PM yesterday. At the press conference to roomful of reporters in Putrajaya, a visibly worried Pak Lah tried to answer a few questions with other ministers seen jostling and pushing each other to get as close to the PM as possible. “My boss wants to make sure he is the first to stab the PM’s back when the time comes,” Angkat bin Bola, a minister’s aide explained. “Anyway, my boss thinks he is the rightful successor,” En. Angkat added.

“I had to rush home for my keris first. That’s why I was a late,” Hishamuddin said while regretting his missed opportunity. “I should have been the one in front,” he added. Rafidah was also spotted nearby, readying to throw herself at the PM. “My doctor said my weight will kill anyone,” she told her aide. While keris is the weapon of choice of most UMNO ministers, Najib was seen ready with his M16. “I kept this free gift from the supplier in the office, I know I may need it anytime,” he added.

Although no further incidents were reported, UMNO ministers are betting that real actions will happen during their next gathering. Throughout the incident, Ka Ting and Samy were busy calling their unholy trinity friends to place bets on the next PM. According to local unholy bookmakers, for the first time this week the bets on the next PM exceed the world cup bets.

According to Prof. Kaji bin Rasuah of UM, while Dr. M indulged in building bridges around Putrajaya, the treasury is broke because the new government has been betting heavily at Unholy Trinity outlets of Kuda-Toto-Magnum. “That’s why Pak Lah has been listless lately,” he said. “All the predictions from his son-in-law turn out to be duds,” he added.

Elsewhere, a campaign to inform rural Malaysians on the new airline was launched yesterday. For the next two weeks, millions of leaflets will be scattered from the air to ensure the folks are properly informed with simple message. It reads, ‘Now MAS can’t fly’.

Proton Unveiled New Partner

After years of searching for a suitable partner, Proton today unveiled their new joint venture with Chinese car maker Felali. “We admit we can’t sell original cars anymore, but we don’t know how to copy properly. We need the Chinese expertise,” Zainal said to a roomful of reporters.

According to Zainal, at the current rate of decline, Proton will be out of buyers by 2008, and something must be done to reverse the trend. “Based on our scientific research, Malaysians and Mat Salleh tourists like to buy fake luxury goods and DVDs. We need to tap into this market with cheap fakes. People really don’t care if it’s Proton inside as long as it’s Mercedes or BMW outside,” he added.

An unnamed source at Proton told BKC Review that the company is appealing for special approval from Najib to allow Proton to hire Chinese speaking employees from China and discriminate against those who can’t. “Without these guys, we’ll be out of business. I’m sure Najib won’t like this, but we can’t do much,” he said.

Furthermore, Proton also unveiled their new sales and distribution strategy. “We are recruiting those Chinese and English speaking Malaysians with experience in selling fake goods,” he added. “We will have thousands of roadside retail outlets and delivery will be handled by walkie-talkies,” he added.

Elsewhere, an internal survey conducted by PDRM revealed that all Police personnel are against the setting up of the IPCMC because all of them don’t want to share their daily commission with the new Commissioner. “It’s our rice bowl. How to share?” an unnamed policeman asked.

Malaysian Businesses Comply Eagerly

Upon hearing Najib’s advice, employers all over Malaysia were busy hiring indiscriminately yesterday. “I hired a bunch of sales assistants who can only speak Bahasa yesterday. Now, those Chinese and foreigners who want to enter my shop must learn Bahasa first,” Mohan said proudly. “We must make Bahasa the language of the first world,” he added.

“I also told all my overseas customers to speak Bahasa when they call our office. They must also draw pictures instead of writing letters because my new secretary can’t read or write,” Chan from Balakong said. “They must learn our language when they want to do business with us. It’s the only way for our country to become developed nation,” he added.

Society of Know Nothing People (SKNP) president, Tak bin Tahu, hailed DPM’s comment as a major step towards the hiring of people who know nothing. “Private sector should emulate our government’s racially blind policy,” he said. “Ever since the government adopted the policy of being blind to the needs of all races but one, our country has enjoyed tremendous progress. We now have so many first world buildings,” he added.

Pointing to the current government hiring policy, he said that private sector employers must be given quota to hire people who know nothing. “Look at those in the government, no more than 5% know something, and we have world class government service, top notch ministers,” he said. He went on to claim that 99.99% of his members are government ministers, government servants or unemployed.

According to Tak bin Tahu, although DPM only mentioned Mandarin as an example, employers should remove all other requirements at once to eliminate discrimination. “Why must they demand only degree holders? You don’t need to have those things to work,” he added. “It’s not fair for those who don’t have degrees. We have the right to be hired,” he clarified.