MCA woos investors from China

Effort by MCA to woo investors from China was declared a major success when thousands of mainland Chinese signed up to invest in Malaysia this morning.

The early morning queue outside Malaysian embassy in Beijing soon turned chaotic as Mainland Chinese, just like Malaysians, still have not mastered the art of queuing up. “We come here for the application form,” said sisters Jing Jing and Ling Ling from Beijing. “We plan to invest ourselves in Kuala Lumpur as we heard business is booming there from our cousin Ting Ting. She invested herself in Puchong last month and is printing money daily,” Jing Jing said. According to our source who is close to MCA, MCA leaders and their associates from Chap Sa Tiam will be the main partner of this investors.

According to Ka Ting, investing in Malaysia is very lucrative and profitable. “We heard some investors made huge returns with minimum investment. The Chinese should invest themselves here,” he said. According to Jing Jing, they were inspired by Ka Ting’s speech. “He also told us about a Malaysian corridor, and our cousin told us that place is exactly where she is right now,” she said. According to their Malaysian partner Phoo Ah Khang, while the pair aims to service the private sectors, they are also willing to collaborate with the public sectors as well. “We will partner with law enforcement as they make the investors feel secure,” he added.

News of the impending investments from China was welcomed by Tourism Malaysia. “They can boost tourism for the remaining days of VMY2007. Current offerings do not impress tourists, especially those hotel workers who don’t speak English,” Mirza said. The Chinese are experts, so they don’t have to speak to impress these tourists. We are also expecting a boost in domestic tourism from this,” he added.

Malaysia not a police state

Malaysia’s international standing received a major boost this morning with the announcement that it has been invited to join a major democratic association. During its special meeting in Beijing, members of the Asian chapter of Society of True Democracies (STD) agreed to invite Malaysia as a junior partner to the grouping, which includes China, North Korea, Myanmar, Iran and Syria. According to President Hu Jintao from China, who is also STD’s Asian Chapter permanent chairman, Malaysia’s membership will carry a probationary period of 3 years. “Malaysia is definitely not a police state. We have seen concerted effort from Malaysian government to move to a truly democratic society, but they have to do more to become a full member,” he said in Mandarin. “Other members will help Malaysia to become truly democratic,” he added.

Myanmar has been assigned to help Malaysia in dealing with religious extremism. According to Gen. Swee from Myanmar, PDRM can learn a lot from Myanmar police when it comes to dealing with Hindu extremists. “Our expertise in quelling the rise of Buddhist extremists is second to none,” he said. Starting next month, members of elite FRU will undergo intensive anti-terrorism training in Yangon. “We will offer practical training, as we still have a bunch of Buddhist extremists to cleanup,” Gen Swee added.

As part of the path to full membership, Malaysian media will also undergo training in fair and balance reporting. “This is a key requirement to become a truly democratic society,” President Hu said. High ranking employees from Bernama will be sent to XinHua to learn from the Chinese to become fair and balanced reporter. “Xin Hua is the undisputed leader in fair and balance reporting,” Zainuddin said. Furthermore, editors from local media such as NST and the Star will also go to China and learn from the editors of the People’s Daily. “To learn from the truly world class reporters of truth is a once in a lifetime opportunity,” Wong from the Star said.

Although the probationary period is 3 years, President Hu expects Malaysia to be truly democratic much sooner. “If Malaysia follows the timetable, they will receive full membership within 2 years. By then they will be rewarded with more assistance from fellow democratics,” he added.

Silent majority have spoken

In yet another show of force, Malaysian silent majority members took to the street this morning to let Pak Lah know their feelings once and for all.

Representatives of Puteh Malaysia, an umbrella organization comprising of 3 dead voters association, United Dead Malays National Organization (UDMNO), Malaysian Dead Chinese Association and Malaysian Dead Indian Congress, presented their view through leading bomoh Ada bin Hantu from Kepala Batas.

“We want peace so that we can rest in peace to get ready and ensure Barisan victory in the next election,” a spirit leader said through Ada. According to bomoh Ada, Puteh Malaysia members have been complaining lately. “Pontianak binti Sundal told me that she was harassed by HINDRAF members during her middle of the night outing near Batu Caves recently,” he said. The police is said to be investigating this act of terrorism. "Why can’t Pontianak go out to get her man in peace?” he asked. Spirit Matinappan a/l Lamalappan through his medium Adallapan a/l Hantumugam said that although his usual hang out place was destroyed by Pak Lah's people, only Barisan can ensure peace and harmony in the country, without elaborating further.

According to Pak Lah, those who remained silent have now stood up to make their stand. The street protests have so far scared 10% of tourists away. “If this continues, the silent majority will be very angry and for sure will come out and scare the remaining 90%,” he added.

In an extremely rare display of national unity, bomoh Ada and medium Lim from Ipoh, who was hired by opposition to observe the event, put the number of marchers at exactly 10,013,013. “We bomoh and medium, hoh, cannot lie one,” Lim said. The overwhelming number was then entered into Malaysian Book of Records as the largest ever organized protest with police permit in Malaysia.

During the event, Banyak bin Marah who is also the head of UDMNO Youth movement petitioned Pak Lah to propose NEP to the other world. “The Chinese got their big mansions with workers, cars, Astros and all. The Malays are just loitering around. “It’s not fair and we are mad as hell,” he said of the current situation.

UMNO to Merge

A forward looking plan by UMNO sent jitters to the political scene yesterday. In an unprecedented move, the Malaysian party agreed to merge with Ku Klux Klan from the USA yesterday in Putrajaya. “It was a whirlwind romance,” KKK Grand Dragon Robb.

According to Robb, the party had to ditch their China cross supplier because the crosses were heavily contaminated with lead. “It scared the hell out of us. I mean, lead-filled lungs cause cancer, you know? So, when UMNO came with their crosses earlier this year we were delighted,” he said. Robb also said that UMNO-supplied crosses are of world class quality. “Most importantly they are lead-free. I began taking our children to our burning ceremonies,” he added proudly.

The Grand Dragon explained that he didn’t know what UMNO was until he came here and met Pak Lah recently. “When we saw how similar our policies are, we just clicked,” he said. “We prefer burning black churches as we can’t find Hindu temples in Mississippi. I’ll show Badawi a thing or two about burning. It’s easier,” he added. Looking proudly like a new SPG-bride, Pak Lah said he is looking forward to the union. “It shows what we are doing is right, as it is recognize by a major party like KKK. We are world class,” he added.

The new party, KKK-UMNO, will adopt a new uniform immediately. KKK's trademark, pointy hat with mask as well as long white robes will be worn. UMNO's sarong and keris will feature prominently on top of the robes. “It makes us look towering,” Najib beamed proudly in his new uniform. “KKK people will also give us assistance in enhancing our supremacy,” he added.

Elsewhere, our source at Selangor palace confirmed that the Sultan is indeed angry. According to him, the Sultan is disappointed and confused that just because Indians have no jobs, they have to create such a big mess. “Indians should emulate the Sultan. His highness has never worked all his life and you don’t see him complaining about it. Why can’t these Indians do that?” our source asked.