More NST Lawsuits Expected

After successfully launching two lawsuits against bloggers recently, NST is now expected to launch more in the coming weeks. “It is the only thing they are good at these days,” said Prof. Chau Po Cua, a UM expert in lousy local publications. “They are losing money and their English is worse than school teachers’. So I predict they are going to go after the rest,” he explained.

Prof Chau further clarified that while the move is rather new in Malaysia, it is widely practiced down south. “They must have copied the Straits Times, but I wonder what’s taking them so long to figure this one out. These NST guys are slow; I mean, how long does it take to copy people?” he added.

But Prof. Chau went further by predicting that all bloggers will be sued by year end, and all non-NST readers will be sued by end of next year. “They need to make up for the lost time. They will milk it all the way. How else can they make money?” he asked.

Prof. Chau’s explanation was supported by his cousin, Prof. Chau Cong Li, who has completed many studies on corrupt politicians for USM. “My extensive studies reveal that it’ll be a matter of time before Pak Lah and Najib follow the Lees on this. Once all the ships buying are over, they will try thinking again,” he said.

Elsewhere, Norazina the artist clarified that her boyfriend is not Datuk M. “My boyfriend has a lot of Datuk M’s, and I like Datuk M because it is very powerful, can go shopping,” she added

Putrajaya Resident Evacuated, New Blueprint Proposed

In addition to 110,000 evacuees in Johor, the government today acknowledged that they also evacuated one resident from Putrajaya due to the recent floods in Johor.

Said to be suffering from occasional but severe aquaphobia, the unnamed Putrajaya resident was recently evacuated to Cebu City. “We had to do it because he was hysterical in his Putrajaya house,” said Lari bin Banjir, a national flood relieve center spokesperson. “Previously, the same resident was evacuated to Perth, but he boarded the wrong plane due to a bureaucratic error and ended up in Cebu this time,” he added.

As they care so much about their people, the government is determined to put the error behind. “We need a new blueprint to tackle our evacuation plan in line with vision 2020,” En. Lari said. In the future, the government is going to evacuate this resident to a cluster of modern cities should flood hit any part of Malaysia again. “We have identified Paris, London, San Francisco as well as Perth who did a very good job recently,” he added. However, he also added that the government hopes that by 2020, backward cities like Cebu, Harare, and Mogadishu can modernize themselves so that they can be included into the list. “At the very least, these cities should have a nasi kandar shop,” En. Lari added.

Spotted in Johor today, the now recovered Putrajaya resident was seen taking a boat tour around the flooded area. “He didn’t pay for his ride. I usually charge people RM10 for the tour, but he just walked away after we got back,” boat owner Mamat said. “Tell him this is not his boat, he must pay. My boat is made in Johor, not Turkey. How could he miss it?” he ranted.

Batu Talam Candidates Shortlisted

In a move that is hailed as political masterstroke, BN today announced that they are going to field a dead person as their candidate for the upcoming Batu Talam by-election. “Our research revealed that dead people formed the largest group in the electoral roll for that constituency. Their voices have to be heard, they must be represented since they are the majority,” Adnan said in the news conference earlier today.

According to Prof. Kia Si Lang, an expert in dead voters and candidates from UM, the move will definitely ensure further BN majority. “Who would dare to vote against the dead?” he asked. The winner will be represented by a piece of wood during the Assembly sessions. “The rakyat can’t tell the difference because the assembly is filled with deadwoods anyway,” he added.

Three potential candidates have been shortlisted and efforts are being made to contact them through a well-known bomoh to assess their willingness. “As those guys have been dead since early 1960s, it is difficult to trace their whereabouts, but I will try my best,” bomoh Cari bin Hantu said during the conference. Efforts are on the way to contact Pontianak Binti Sundal, the top-choice candidate proposed by Wanita wing.

While the move is thoroughly unconventional, Election Commission does not object to the move. “As long as those names are in the electoral roll, they can also be registered as candidates,” EC spokesperson Undi bin Barisan clarified.

Elsewhere, the government announced that a state of emergency will not be declared in Johor because most Johoreans can swim anyway.

World Bank Released New Report

Just days after releasing their initial report, the World Bank yesterday released yet another report to clarify the previous announcement. “Rather than waiting for Hisham to wave his keris, we decided to revise our finding,” World Bank spokesman Matsale McScared said.

“We noticed that if given incentives, civil servants can do wonders, so our researchers decided to find out the number of days to start a factory if we give out incentives. The result is astonishing,” he added. According to the report, with incentives, Malaysia can give approval in 3 working-days, placing it on third place behind Nigeria and Indonesia which offer same-day and next business-day approvals respectively.

Pointing to recent toll rates increase approval, Prof. Ho Ee Lui, a research expert in Incentive management at USM, agreed with the finding. Prof. Ho added that while money has always been popular as incentive, luxurious yachts have recently gained popularity, while rice is making a strong comeback. “Those Turkish made yachts are highly sought after,” he said. However, on rice, he disagreed with Dr. M’s criticism on Khairy’s appetite. “I don’t think he eats that much, I mean, have you seen his wife lately?” Prof. Ho asked.

The new report was greeted with cheers all over Kuala Lumpur. “It shows that our government is truly world class. When it comes to rapid approvals, we can compete with the world’s best. We must do something so that next year we will be able to surpass Nigeria and Indonesia,” Hisham said proudly.

Elsewhere, experts are predicting an unusual surge in mixed-race babies in conjunction with VMY 2007. “Our world class SPGs are extremely friendly, ready and fertile. They will definitely make those tourists feel at home,” Lawat bin Buat said.