Pak Lah to resign

In a surprise move that is sure to send chill down the spines of pretty young women worldwide, Pak Lah earlier announced that he is stepping down in favor of Najib effective tomorrow. “They are replacing a sleeping prime minister with another ‘sleeping’ prime minister,” said Banyak bin Tidor, an analyst close to the PM’s office. While Pak Lah has been known to have his favorite sleeping spot, the huge chair in the meeting room, Najib doesn’t seem to have a favorite spot. “He is just kinda sleeping around,” En. Banyak told the BKC correspondent, who wrote this report on the condition of anonymity for fear of being picked up and sent to Yemen.

According to another reliable source in Putrajaya, movers have been busy moving stuff out of the fourth floor office since last night. The incoming PM doesn’t have a need for such office space. A renovation has been ordered and its interior will be turned into an exact replica of the famous Playboy mansion. “Once completed, it’ll be completely stocked with multinational bunnies that will surely make Hugh Hefner jealous,” En. Main bin Arnab said. “And all of them will be partial to anal play,” he added.

Meanwhile, in related anal news, our source at Bukit Aman revealed that Raja Petra will be saifuled in front of Rosmah if he doesn’t confess by tomorrow. Beyond that, PGK does not rule out the next move to altantuya him. “This will be the second time Rosmah got to watch someone being saifuled. The first time with Saiful himself being saifuled,” our source said.

Elsewhere, when asked to identify Pak Lah and Najib from a recent picture, presidential candidate Obama today said, “When you put songkok on a pig, it’s still a pig.”

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Free ISA detainees! Free ISA detainees! Free ISA detainees!

I believe laughter must go on while we're going through this sad and dark chapter of our beloved country. Our prayers for ISA detainees and all prisoners of conscience.

Pak Lah awarded Nobel prize

In an emergency meeting in Stockholm, members of Karolinska Institute for the Nobel Prize yesterday awarded the 2008 Nobel Prize in Medicine to Pak Lah for his recent discovery in DNA aging.

According to Mr. Bertil Fredholm, Chairman of the selection committee, members decided to move the announcement date from Ocober to yesterday due to the importance of the discovery. “None of us realized that DNA can age and become useless after 10 years. It’s truly revolutionary and eye opening. We couldn’t just sit and wait,” Bertil said. He went on to thank Pak Lah for his contribution to the entire medical community. “I am urging members of Physics and Chemistry selection committees to also give their award to Pak Lah,” he added.

The amazing discovery rocks legal communities worldwide as thousands of inmates and former inmates are now facing new challenge to produce their old DNA to prove their innocence. According to Sue McThem, a lawyer representing a deathrow inmate in Alabama, her client’s DNA was rejected yesterday because his DNA was not from 20 years ago. “Since DNA can change, the judge now wants his DNA from the time of alleged murder,” she said. Dick Long, who was recently released from prison, is facing yet another uncertain future. “Although my DNA doesn’t match the one found on the rape victim, I was ordered back to prison until I can give my old DNA," he said. “I can’t turn back the clock, but I really didn’t do it,” he pleaded.

Furthermore, leading universities are also considering some form of award to Pak Lah. Harvard is about to offer honorary doctorates in Medicine and Law to Pak Lah, while Oxford is going to ask Pak Lah to become its latest Vice-Chancellor. “It will be great for our university to have a leading thinker like him to lead our institution. Furthermore, his son-in-law is our alum. I’m not worthy compare to him,” current VC John Hood said.

Air Asia announced more charges

In a move that sent shockwave throughout aviation world, Air Asia earlier today announced more charges to be paid by its flyers.

Starting from May, all Air Asia passengers must pay more if they wear shirts, pants, skirts as well as underwear. “You need to pay for what you use, that’s only fair,” spokesperson Sucker Fernandes said in a hastily arranged press conference. “Our study shows that pants and skirts add to the weight during flights and it’s unfair to ask for naked customers to pay the same fare as fully-clothed customers.”

Under the new plan, customers who put on pants and skirts must pay additional RM 5 per segment and those who wear underwear must pay RM 3 extra. “As the weight of g-strings are negligible, we won’t charge those with g-strings, regardless of gender,” Sucker clarified.

Furthermore, those who board the plane with jacket will be slapped with overweight charge of RM 50, while socks and shoes will be charged at RM 5 per pair. Passengers are given option to pre-purchase, at a discount, the right to put on clothes, while booking for their flights. “It’s green, it’s fair. Lesser clothes = lighter planes = less fuel = low fares,” Mr. Fernandes said.
As part of the new plan, Air Asia also unveiled a new tagline, “Now everyone naked can fly”.

Khairy qualified to be minister

Khairy’s plan to become a minister received a major boost earlier today. According to a renowned Buddhist monk from Pulau Tikus, Holiness Boh Ciak Bak, Khairy is qualified because he is married to the 69th reincarnation of the Happy Buddha. “When you sleep with such an enlightened person every day, you become a wise man,” he said. “My calculation shows that she is indeed a reincarnated Buddha. She looks like him, especially when sitting down,” he added.

Furthermore, Holiness Boh went on to address the skeptics. “The Supreme Buddha Council is also embracing equal rights movement, so it is not unusual for a Buddha to be reincarnated as a woman,” he said. On BKC questions why she was born into a non-Buddhist family, Boh added that it might be down to a record keeping error. “If EC, with so many computers can have thousands of dead voters, imagine the mess up there where they are still writing with brush on papyrus,” he added.

The move for a minister's post for Khairy received further endorsement from leading NGOs. According to Ms. Tuah Cha Boh from BBW, Malaysian leading women’s rights NGO, Khairy should be named to head Women, Family and Community development ministry because he is wise and has been successful in handling a big woman’s issues well. “Not many men can handle big women, let alone their issues, so he is definitely qualified,” she said.

However, Khairy’s claim on the post may face formidable challenge from Najib who is said to be eyeing the vacant post as well. “He has proven track record in dealing with woman’s issue militarily. With his experience, he can solve both national security and women’s issues at the same time,” said Banyak bin Bom, an analyst from Wanita dan Pertahanan Negara, a leading defense thinktank.

Samy unveiled retirement blueprint

After years of refusal, Samy Vellu today unveiled his long-awaited retirement blueprint. “I thought for a long time, and now I realize the best time to do it is now,” he told reporters in Sungai Siput earlier today. Accompanied by heavy FRU presence, Samy announced that effectively after the election, he will step down to pursue a career in phantom voting. “I was crushed when they first announced the use of indelible ink. I mean, how can they kill my retirement plan like that? I have worked so hard for BN all these years. Lucky Pak Lah told EC to reverse the decision, now my retirement is secured,” he added.

While Samy refused to reveal his salary as a future phantom voter, a reliable source told BKC that combined with MP and Minister’s pensions; he will be able to enjoy his retirement in luxury. “He can drink todi all day long and just needs to work once every five years,” our source clarified. Concern over using such a well known person as a phantom voter was quickly crushed by Samy. “My make-up artist told me no problem, she can make me look like 128 years old and JPN has given me 20 ICs,” he said proudly.

The announcement was greeted with cheers from BN leaders. “We wish him the very best and I will make sure he is successful in his new career,” Pak Lah told reporters. “I swear, as long as I am the PM, there will be no indelible ink,” he added. Ex-Klang assemblyman Zakaria also sent Samy his invitation, “Our todi here is the best in the country. He can come and drink with me, we enjoy retirement together,” he said.

Elsewhere EC today announced the second reason for cancelling the use of indelible ink. “The ink color is too closed to color of HINDRAF supporters. The ink will only ensure victory for HINDRAF. HINDRAF is a threat to national security,” Rashid said Pak Lah’s living room in Putrajaya.

The cabinet announced new ban

Fresh from banning Indian and Bangladeshi workers from entering Malaysia, the cabinet today announced that they have banned consumption of tandoori chicken. “We also ban importation and use of giant Indian urns used to cook them as Hindraf terrorists like to hide inside,” Banteras bin Keling, a home ministry official announced over the phone.

According to En. Banteras, the move was made after the release of a recent top-secret intelligence report. “Our top spies found out that Tandoori chicken is the key link to terrorism,” he said. “Tamil Tigers are terrorists. The Tigers love tandoori and Hindraf members also love tandoori. So it’s beyond doubt Hindraf is a terrorist organization,” Banteras told reporters in Putrajaya. Malaysian authority is also investigating possible link of vadai and muruku to terrorism.

“I spoke to the PM and Home ministry secretary-general,” Samy said when contacted. “I urge all Indians to avoid terrorist food. They should eat ayam masak merah, a truly Malaysian food instead,” he added.

Elsewhere, a recent report that Sio Lek is mounting a comeback was confirmed when he signed with a major Hollywood studio for a movie deal. According to the producer of White Man Can’t Jump, they will soon shoot a movie starring Soi Lek on location in Batu Pahat. Old Yellow Man Can Hump will be released in December 2008 right before Christmas.

Allah denies involvement

Just days after Pak Lah’s directive banning other religions to use the word ‘Allah’, the Almighty himself clarified that he wasn’t involved in the whole episode. Speaking through his long-time messenger, Gabriel, the Almighty confirmed to reporters that the move was not authorized by him or his office. “Allah never told anybody to copyright his name,” Gabriel said.

According to Gabriel, the Almighty is aware that his name has been used by some lately. “We know that Satan has been posing as Allah and has been going around creating trouble,” Gabriel said. According to him, the lord of darkness was spotted shuttling around offices in Putrajaya recently.

Meanwhile, further government directives on word usage are expected soon. Unnamed BKC sources close to Dewan Bahasa confirmed that the government is preparing new rules for non-muslim publications. In the future, Non-muslims will be required to call their gods simply as ‘He who cannot be named’.

Further move to add words to ‘Non-Malays Do Not Use’ list is also expected. “The government will certainly add Pak Lah to the list as it’s sensitive,” Tambah bin Kata, a linguistic expert from UM said. In the future, he will be referred to as ‘He who should not be named’. Other words that should not be used by non-Malays will include new textbooks, government contracts and housing discounts.