BKC Review

Pak Lah to resign

2008-09-15T06:19:00.000-07:00

In a surprise move that is sure to send chill down the spines of pretty young women worldwide, Pak Lah earlier announced that he is stepping down in favor of Najib effective tomorrow. “They are replacing a sleeping prime minister with another ‘sleeping’ prime minister,” said Banyak bin Tidor, an analyst close to the PM’s office. While Pak Lah has been known to have his favorite sleeping spot, the huge chair in the meeting room, Najib doesn’t seem to have a favorite spot. “He is just kinda sleeping around,” En. Banyak told the BKC correspondent, who wrote this report on the condition of anonymity for fear of being picked up and sent to Yemen.

According to another reliable source in Putrajaya, movers have been busy moving stuff out of the fourth floor office since last night. The incoming PM doesn’t have a need for such office space. A renovation has been ordered and its interior will be turned into an exact replica of the famous Playboy mansion. “Once completed, it’ll be completely stocked with multinational bunnies that will surely make Hugh Hefner jealous,” En. Main bin Arnab said. “And all of them will be partial to anal play,” he added.

Meanwhile, in related anal news, our source at Bukit Aman revealed that Raja Petra will be saifuled in front of Rosmah if he doesn’t confess by tomorrow. Beyond that, PGK does not rule out the next move to altantuya him. “This will be the second time Rosmah got to watch someone being saifuled. The first time with Saiful himself being saifuled,” our source said.

Elsewhere, when asked to identify Pak Lah and Najib from a recent picture, presidential candidate Obama today said, “When you put songkok on a pig, it’s still a pig.”

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Free ISA detainees! Free ISA detainees! Free ISA detainees!

I believe laughter must go on while we're going through this sad and dark chapter of our beloved country. Our prayers for ISA detainees and all prisoners of conscience.

Pak Lah awarded Nobel prize

2008-07-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

In an emergency meeting in Stockholm, members of Karolinska Institute for the Nobel Prize yesterday awarded the 2008 Nobel Prize in Medicine to Pak Lah for his recent discovery in DNA aging.

According to Mr. Bertil Fredholm, Chairman of the selection committee, members decided to move the announcement date from Ocober to yesterday due to the importance of the discovery. “None of us realized that DNA can age and become useless after 10 years. It’s truly revolutionary and eye opening. We couldn’t just sit and wait,” Bertil said. He went on to thank Pak Lah for his contribution to the entire medical community. “I am urging members of Physics and Chemistry selection committees to also give their award to Pak Lah,” he added.

The amazing discovery rocks legal communities worldwide as thousands of inmates and former inmates are now facing new challenge to produce their old DNA to prove their innocence. According to Sue McThem, a lawyer representing a deathrow inmate in Alabama, her client’s DNA was rejected yesterday because his DNA was not from 20 years ago. “Since DNA can change, the judge now wants his DNA from the time of alleged murder,” she said. Dick Long, who was recently released from prison, is facing yet another uncertain future. “Although my DNA doesn’t match the one found on the rape victim, I was ordered back to prison until I can give my old DNA," he said. “I can’t turn back the clock, but I really didn’t do it,” he pleaded.

Furthermore, leading universities are also considering some form of award to Pak Lah. Harvard is about to offer honorary doctorates in Medicine and Law to Pak Lah, while Oxford is going to ask Pak Lah to become its latest Vice-Chancellor. “It will be great for our university to have a leading thinker like him to lead our institution. Furthermore, his son-in-law is our alum. I’m not worthy compare to him,” current VC John Hood said.

Air Asia announced more charges

2008-04-08T00:53:00.001-07:00

In a move that sent shockwave throughout aviation world, Air Asia earlier today announced more charges to be paid by its flyers.

Starting from May, all Air Asia passengers must pay more if they wear shirts, pants, skirts as well as underwear. “You need to pay for what you use, that’s only fair,” spokesperson Sucker Fernandes said in a hastily arranged press conference. “Our study shows that pants and skirts add to the weight during flights and it’s unfair to ask for naked customers to pay the same fare as fully-clothed customers.”

Under the new plan, customers who put on pants and skirts must pay additional RM 5 per segment and those who wear underwear must pay RM 3 extra. “As the weight of g-strings are negligible, we won’t charge those with g-strings, regardless of gender,” Sucker clarified.

Furthermore, those who board the plane with jacket will be slapped with overweight charge of RM 50, while socks and shoes will be charged at RM 5 per pair. Passengers are given option to pre-purchase, at a discount, the right to put on clothes, while booking for their flights. “It’s green, it’s fair. Lesser clothes = lighter planes = less fuel = low fares,” Mr. Fernandes said.
As part of the new plan, Air Asia also unveiled a new tagline, “Now everyone naked can fly”.

Khairy qualified to be minister

2008-03-11T01:04:00.000-07:00

Khairy’s plan to become a minister received a major boost earlier today. According to a renowned Buddhist monk from Pulau Tikus, Holiness Boh Ciak Bak, Khairy is qualified because he is married to the 69th reincarnation of the Happy Buddha. “When you sleep with such an enlightened person every day, you become a wise man,” he said. “My calculation shows that she is indeed a reincarnated Buddha. She looks like him, especially when sitting down,” he added.

Furthermore, Holiness Boh went on to address the skeptics. “The Supreme Buddha Council is also embracing equal rights movement, so it is not unusual for a Buddha to be reincarnated as a woman,” he said. On BKC questions why she was born into a non-Buddhist family, Boh added that it might be down to a record keeping error. “If EC, with so many computers can have thousands of dead voters, imagine the mess up there where they are still writing with brush on papyrus,” he added.

The move for a minister's post for Khairy received further endorsement from leading NGOs. According to Ms. Tuah Cha Boh from BBW, Malaysian leading women’s rights NGO, Khairy should be named to head Women, Family and Community development ministry because he is wise and has been successful in handling a big woman’s issues well. “Not many men can handle big women, let alone their issues, so he is definitely qualified,” she said.

However, Khairy’s claim on the post may face formidable challenge from Najib who is said to be eyeing the vacant post as well. “He has proven track record in dealing with woman’s issue militarily. With his experience, he can solve both national security and women’s issues at the same time,” said Banyak bin Bom, an analyst from Wanita dan Pertahanan Negara, a leading defense thinktank.

Samy unveiled retirement blueprint

2008-03-06T04:46:00.000-08:00

After years of refusal, Samy Vellu today unveiled his long-awaited retirement blueprint. “I thought for a long time, and now I realize the best time to do it is now,” he told reporters in Sungai Siput earlier today. Accompanied by heavy FRU presence, Samy announced that effectively after the election, he will step down to pursue a career in phantom voting. “I was crushed when they first announced the use of indelible ink. I mean, how can they kill my retirement plan like that? I have worked so hard for BN all these years. Lucky Pak Lah told EC to reverse the decision, now my retirement is secured,” he added.

While Samy refused to reveal his salary as a future phantom voter, a reliable source told BKC that combined with MP and Minister’s pensions; he will be able to enjoy his retirement in luxury. “He can drink todi all day long and just needs to work once every five years,” our source clarified. Concern over using such a well known person as a phantom voter was quickly crushed by Samy. “My make-up artist told me no problem, she can make me look like 128 years old and JPN has given me 20 ICs,” he said proudly.

The announcement was greeted with cheers from BN leaders. “We wish him the very best and I will make sure he is successful in his new career,” Pak Lah told reporters. “I swear, as long as I am the PM, there will be no indelible ink,” he added. Ex-Klang assemblyman Zakaria also sent Samy his invitation, “Our todi here is the best in the country. He can come and drink with me, we enjoy retirement together,” he said.

Elsewhere EC today announced the second reason for cancelling the use of indelible ink. “The ink color is too closed to color of HINDRAF supporters. The ink will only ensure victory for HINDRAF. HINDRAF is a threat to national security,” Rashid said Pak Lah’s living room in Putrajaya.

The cabinet announced new ban

2008-01-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

Fresh from banning Indian and Bangladeshi workers from entering Malaysia, the cabinet today announced that they have banned consumption of tandoori chicken. “We also ban importation and use of giant Indian urns used to cook them as Hindraf terrorists like to hide inside,” Banteras bin Keling, a home ministry official announced over the phone.

According to En. Banteras, the move was made after the release of a recent top-secret intelligence report. “Our top spies found out that Tandoori chicken is the key link to terrorism,” he said. “Tamil Tigers are terrorists. The Tigers love tandoori and Hindraf members also love tandoori. So it’s beyond doubt Hindraf is a terrorist organization,” Banteras told reporters in Putrajaya. Malaysian authority is also investigating possible link of vadai and muruku to terrorism.

“I spoke to the PM and Home ministry secretary-general,” Samy said when contacted. “I urge all Indians to avoid terrorist food. They should eat ayam masak merah, a truly Malaysian food instead,” he added.

Elsewhere, a recent report that Sio Lek is mounting a comeback was confirmed when he signed with a major Hollywood studio for a movie deal. According to the producer of White Man Can’t Jump, they will soon shoot a movie starring Soi Lek on location in Batu Pahat. Old Yellow Man Can Hump will be released in December 2008 right before Christmas.

Allah denies involvement

2008-01-04T22:55:00.000-08:00

Just days after Pak Lah’s directive banning other religions to use the word ‘Allah’, the Almighty himself clarified that he wasn’t involved in the whole episode. Speaking through his long-time messenger, Gabriel, the Almighty confirmed to reporters that the move was not authorized by him or his office. “Allah never told anybody to copyright his name,” Gabriel said.

According to Gabriel, the Almighty is aware that his name has been used by some lately. “We know that Satan has been posing as Allah and has been going around creating trouble,” Gabriel said. According to him, the lord of darkness was spotted shuttling around offices in Putrajaya recently.

Meanwhile, further government directives on word usage are expected soon. Unnamed BKC sources close to Dewan Bahasa confirmed that the government is preparing new rules for non-muslim publications. In the future, Non-muslims will be required to call their gods simply as ‘He who cannot be named’.

Further move to add words to ‘Non-Malays Do Not Use’ list is also expected. “The government will certainly add Pak Lah to the list as it’s sensitive,” Tambah bin Kata, a linguistic expert from UM said. In the future, he will be referred to as ‘He who should not be named’. Other words that should not be used by non-Malays will include new textbooks, government contracts and housing discounts.

MCA woos investors from China

2007-12-21T05:40:00.000-08:00

Effort by MCA to woo investors from China was declared a major success when thousands of mainland Chinese signed up to invest in Malaysia this morning.

The early morning queue outside Malaysian embassy in Beijing soon turned chaotic as Mainland Chinese, just like Malaysians, still have not mastered the art of queuing up. “We come here for the application form,” said sisters Jing Jing and Ling Ling from Beijing. “We plan to invest ourselves in Kuala Lumpur as we heard business is booming there from our cousin Ting Ting. She invested herself in Puchong last month and is printing money daily,” Jing Jing said. According to our source who is close to MCA, MCA leaders and their associates from Chap Sa Tiam will be the main partner of this investors.

According to Ka Ting, investing in Malaysia is very lucrative and profitable. “We heard some investors made huge returns with minimum investment. The Chinese should invest themselves here,” he said. According to Jing Jing, they were inspired by Ka Ting’s speech. “He also told us about a Malaysian corridor, and our cousin told us that place is exactly where she is right now,” she said. According to their Malaysian partner Phoo Ah Khang, while the pair aims to service the private sectors, they are also willing to collaborate with the public sectors as well. “We will partner with law enforcement as they make the investors feel secure,” he added.

News of the impending investments from China was welcomed by Tourism Malaysia. “They can boost tourism for the remaining days of VMY2007. Current offerings do not impress tourists, especially those hotel workers who don’t speak English,” Mirza said. The Chinese are experts, so they don’t have to speak to impress these tourists. We are also expecting a boost in domestic tourism from this,” he added.

Malaysia not a police state

2007-12-16T03:26:00.000-08:00

Malaysia’s international standing received a major boost this morning with the announcement that it has been invited to join a major democratic association. During its special meeting in Beijing, members of the Asian chapter of Society of True Democracies (STD) agreed to invite Malaysia as a junior partner to the grouping, which includes China, North Korea, Myanmar, Iran and Syria. According to President Hu Jintao from China, who is also STD’s Asian Chapter permanent chairman, Malaysia’s membership will carry a probationary period of 3 years. “Malaysia is definitely not a police state. We have seen concerted effort from Malaysian government to move to a truly democratic society, but they have to do more to become a full member,” he said in Mandarin. “Other members will help Malaysia to become truly democratic,” he added.

Myanmar has been assigned to help Malaysia in dealing with religious extremism. According to Gen. Swee from Myanmar, PDRM can learn a lot from Myanmar police when it comes to dealing with Hindu extremists. “Our expertise in quelling the rise of Buddhist extremists is second to none,” he said. Starting next month, members of elite FRU will undergo intensive anti-terrorism training in Yangon. “We will offer practical training, as we still have a bunch of Buddhist extremists to cleanup,” Gen Swee added.

As part of the path to full membership, Malaysian media will also undergo training in fair and balance reporting. “This is a key requirement to become a truly democratic society,” President Hu said. High ranking employees from Bernama will be sent to XinHua to learn from the Chinese to become fair and balanced reporter. “Xin Hua is the undisputed leader in fair and balance reporting,” Zainuddin said. Furthermore, editors from local media such as NST and the Star will also go to China and learn from the editors of the People’s Daily. “To learn from the truly world class reporters of truth is a once in a lifetime opportunity,” Wong from the Star said.

Although the probationary period is 3 years, President Hu expects Malaysia to be truly democratic much sooner. “If Malaysia follows the timetable, they will receive full membership within 2 years. By then they will be rewarded with more assistance from fellow democratics,” he added.

Silent majority have spoken

2007-12-14T00:53:00.000-08:00

In yet another show of force, Malaysian silent majority members took to the street this morning to let Pak Lah know their feelings once and for all.

Representatives of Puteh Malaysia, an umbrella organization comprising of 3 dead voters association, United Dead Malays National Organization (UDMNO), Malaysian Dead Chinese Association and Malaysian Dead Indian Congress, presented their view through leading bomoh Ada bin Hantu from Kepala Batas.

“We want peace so that we can rest in peace to get ready and ensure Barisan victory in the next election,” a spirit leader said through Ada. According to bomoh Ada, Puteh Malaysia members have been complaining lately. “Pontianak binti Sundal told me that she was harassed by HINDRAF members during her middle of the night outing near Batu Caves recently,” he said. The police is said to be investigating this act of terrorism. "Why can’t Pontianak go out to get her man in peace?” he asked. Spirit Matinappan a/l Lamalappan through his medium Adallapan a/l Hantumugam said that although his usual hang out place was destroyed by Pak Lah's people, only Barisan can ensure peace and harmony in the country, without elaborating further.

According to Pak Lah, those who remained silent have now stood up to make their stand. The street protests have so far scared 10% of tourists away. “If this continues, the silent majority will be very angry and for sure will come out and scare the remaining 90%,” he added.

In an extremely rare display of national unity, bomoh Ada and medium Lim from Ipoh, who was hired by opposition to observe the event, put the number of marchers at exactly 10,013,013. “We bomoh and medium, hoh, cannot lie one,” Lim said. The overwhelming number was then entered into Malaysian Book of Records as the largest ever organized protest with police permit in Malaysia.

During the event, Banyak bin Marah who is also the head of UDMNO Youth movement petitioned Pak Lah to propose NEP to the other world. “The Chinese got their big mansions with workers, cars, Astros and all. The Malays are just loitering around. “It’s not fair and we are mad as hell,” he said of the current situation.

UMNO to Merge

2007-12-11T01:14:00.000-08:00

A forward looking plan by UMNO sent jitters to the political scene yesterday. In an unprecedented move, the Malaysian party agreed to merge with Ku Klux Klan from the USA yesterday in Putrajaya. “It was a whirlwind romance,” KKK Grand Dragon Robb.

According to Robb, the party had to ditch their China cross supplier because the crosses were heavily contaminated with lead. “It scared the hell out of us. I mean, lead-filled lungs cause cancer, you know? So, when UMNO came with their crosses earlier this year we were delighted,” he said. Robb also said that UMNO-supplied crosses are of world class quality. “Most importantly they are lead-free. I began taking our children to our burning ceremonies,” he added proudly.

The Grand Dragon explained that he didn’t know what UMNO was until he came here and met Pak Lah recently. “When we saw how similar our policies are, we just clicked,” he said. “We prefer burning black churches as we can’t find Hindu temples in Mississippi. I’ll show Badawi a thing or two about burning. It’s easier,” he added. Looking proudly like a new SPG-bride, Pak Lah said he is looking forward to the union. “It shows what we are doing is right, as it is recognize by a major party like KKK. We are world class,” he added.

The new party, KKK-UMNO, will adopt a new uniform immediately. KKK's trademark, pointy hat with mask as well as long white robes will be worn. UMNO's sarong and keris will feature prominently on top of the robes. “It makes us look towering,” Najib beamed proudly in his new uniform. “KKK people will also give us assistance in enhancing our supremacy,” he added.

Elsewhere, our source at Selangor palace confirmed that the Sultan is indeed angry. According to him, the Sultan is disappointed and confused that just because Indians have no jobs, they have to create such a big mess. “Indians should emulate the Sultan. His highness has never worked all his life and you don’t see him complaining about it. Why can’t these Indians do that?” our source asked.

More NST Lawsuits Expected

2007-01-23T03:42:00.000-08:00

After successfully launching two lawsuits against bloggers recently, NST is now expected to launch more in the coming weeks. “It is the only thing they are good at these days,” said Prof. Chau Po Cua, a UM expert in lousy local publications. “They are losing money and their English is worse than school teachers’. So I predict they are going to go after the rest,” he explained.

Prof Chau further clarified that while the move is rather new in Malaysia, it is widely practiced down south. “They must have copied the Straits Times, but I wonder what’s taking them so long to figure this one out. These NST guys are slow; I mean, how long does it take to copy people?” he added.

But Prof. Chau went further by predicting that all bloggers will be sued by year end, and all non-NST readers will be sued by end of next year. “They need to make up for the lost time. They will milk it all the way. How else can they make money?” he asked.

Prof. Chau’s explanation was supported by his cousin, Prof. Chau Cong Li, who has completed many studies on corrupt politicians for USM. “My extensive studies reveal that it’ll be a matter of time before Pak Lah and Najib follow the Lees on this. Once all the ships buying are over, they will try thinking again,” he said.

Elsewhere, Norazina the artist clarified that her boyfriend is not Datuk M. “My boyfriend has a lot of Datuk M’s, and I like Datuk M because it is very powerful, can go shopping,” she added

Putrajaya Resident Evacuated, New Blueprint Proposed

2007-01-17T07:02:00.000-08:00

In addition to 110,000 evacuees in Johor, the government today acknowledged that they also evacuated one resident from Putrajaya due to the recent floods in Johor.

Said to be suffering from occasional but severe aquaphobia, the unnamed Putrajaya resident was recently evacuated to Cebu City. “We had to do it because he was hysterical in his Putrajaya house,” said Lari bin Banjir, a national flood relieve center spokesperson. “Previously, the same resident was evacuated to Perth, but he boarded the wrong plane due to a bureaucratic error and ended up in Cebu this time,” he added.

As they care so much about their people, the government is determined to put the error behind. “We need a new blueprint to tackle our evacuation plan in line with vision 2020,” En. Lari said. In the future, the government is going to evacuate this resident to a cluster of modern cities should flood hit any part of Malaysia again. “We have identified Paris, London, San Francisco as well as Perth who did a very good job recently,” he added. However, he also added that the government hopes that by 2020, backward cities like Cebu, Harare, and Mogadishu can modernize themselves so that they can be included into the list. “At the very least, these cities should have a nasi kandar shop,” En. Lari added.

Spotted in Johor today, the now recovered Putrajaya resident was seen taking a boat tour around the flooded area. “He didn’t pay for his ride. I usually charge people RM10 for the tour, but he just walked away after we got back,” boat owner Mamat said. “Tell him this is not his boat, he must pay. My boat is made in Johor, not Turkey. How could he miss it?” he ranted.

Batu Talam Candidates Shortlisted

2007-01-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

In a move that is hailed as political masterstroke, BN today announced that they are going to field a dead person as their candidate for the upcoming Batu Talam by-election. “Our research revealed that dead people formed the largest group in the electoral roll for that constituency. Their voices have to be heard, they must be represented since they are the majority,” Adnan said in the news conference earlier today.

According to Prof. Kia Si Lang, an expert in dead voters and candidates from UM, the move will definitely ensure further BN majority. “Who would dare to vote against the dead?” he asked. The winner will be represented by a piece of wood during the Assembly sessions. “The rakyat can’t tell the difference because the assembly is filled with deadwoods anyway,” he added.

Three potential candidates have been shortlisted and efforts are being made to contact them through a well-known bomoh to assess their willingness. “As those guys have been dead since early 1960s, it is difficult to trace their whereabouts, but I will try my best,” bomoh Cari bin Hantu said during the conference. Efforts are on the way to contact Pontianak Binti Sundal, the top-choice candidate proposed by Wanita wing.

While the move is thoroughly unconventional, Election Commission does not object to the move. “As long as those names are in the electoral roll, they can also be registered as candidates,” EC spokesperson Undi bin Barisan clarified.

Elsewhere, the government announced that a state of emergency will not be declared in Johor because most Johoreans can swim anyway.

World Bank Released New Report

2007-01-14T18:28:00.000-08:00

Just days after releasing their initial report, the World Bank yesterday released yet another report to clarify the previous announcement. “Rather than waiting for Hisham to wave his keris, we decided to revise our finding,” World Bank spokesman Matsale McScared said.

“We noticed that if given incentives, civil servants can do wonders, so our researchers decided to find out the number of days to start a factory if we give out incentives. The result is astonishing,” he added. According to the report, with incentives, Malaysia can give approval in 3 working-days, placing it on third place behind Nigeria and Indonesia which offer same-day and next business-day approvals respectively.

Pointing to recent toll rates increase approval, Prof. Ho Ee Lui, a research expert in Incentive management at USM, agreed with the finding. Prof. Ho added that while money has always been popular as incentive, luxurious yachts have recently gained popularity, while rice is making a strong comeback. “Those Turkish made yachts are highly sought after,” he said. However, on rice, he disagreed with Dr. M’s criticism on Khairy’s appetite. “I don’t think he eats that much, I mean, have you seen his wife lately?” Prof. Ho asked.

The new report was greeted with cheers all over Kuala Lumpur. “It shows that our government is truly world class. When it comes to rapid approvals, we can compete with the world’s best. We must do something so that next year we will be able to surpass Nigeria and Indonesia,” Hisham said proudly.

Elsewhere, experts are predicting an unusual surge in mixed-race babies in conjunction with VMY 2007. “Our world class SPGs are extremely friendly, ready and fertile. They will definitely make those tourists feel at home,” Lawat bin Buat said.

Mediator search to continue

2006-07-04T17:14:00.000-07:00

After days of fruitless search for the elusive mediator, Zam earlier today announced that his ministry is creating a reality show to identify the person instead. The new show, Siapa Nak Bermain Tiga?, will be aired live on RTM1 everyday during prime time until the winner is selected. News of the impending show turned the usually lifeless Information Ministry into a scene of mayhem never seen before in Malaysia.

Tens of thousands of jobless grads as well as unemployed UMNO veterans were seen fighting for yet to be released application forms. “We asked them to come back next week as we are still searching for the best application forms. The form must be loved by Dr. M and respected by Pak Lah,” Zam said to the reporters. Spotted among the fighting crowd were heavyweights such as Khalid, Azhari and Aziz. According to organizer Angkat bin Bola, candidates will be asked to perform different mediating skills including lollipop sucking. “A candidate will be voted out by sms after each session,” he added.

The plan was thrown into further chaos by yet another antic from Dr. M. Sick of constant harassment from would-be mediators, he handed himself in and became the first Malaysian to enter the new witness protection program. “People called me day and night begging to be made a mediator. They jammed my phone lines and broke my front gate,” Dr. M said. “From now on, I will be known as Ayam bin Laga,” he added.

When contacted later, Zam remained unfazed and vowed to continue the search. “The mediator can still work with Siti and Datuk K. Those two can’t even agree on announcement date,” he added. To prevent further leak to the Singaporean, Siti and Datuk K were instructed by Zam to channel the announcement through his ministry yesterday.

Elsewhere, Mawi declared that unlike his coffee brand, he has no say when it comes to future bride. “It’s not my cois,” he told scores of tabloid reporters and paparazzi.

UMNO to send Dr. M to space

2006-06-26T22:27:00.000-07:00

In a move that shocked worldwide space community, Nazri announced that the government has cancelled the next kosmonaut search and will send Dr. M instead. “We can’t find a better way, there is no better candidate,” Nazri said. According to our reliable source, the government is also nominating Dr. M to be Malaysian permanent ambassador to the International Space Station. "He will be there for at least 10 years," Nazri added.

The news was met with tears from the hopeful quartet who have been training day and night for the event. “I’ve been training to sit still all this while. I finally managed not to move for 24 hours yesterday, and they suddenly cancelled our trip,” Kamaluddin said. “I can’t eat my favorite roti canai and teh tarik in space anymore,” Vanajah sobbed. Muszhapar slammed Dr. M for using his political influence to get the free ride. “I thought the government is implementing meritocracy, now they let him in using a different route,” he questioned BKC.

According to Nazri, who is taking over the program, while physical fitness is important, it only counts for 10% in overall grading. “We are looking for those with excellent verbal skill because we want to see if sound can travel in the outer space. Dr. M will take off his helmet and start screaming while space walking. We’ll find out if we can hear him,” Nazri added.

Training for Dr. M will commence next year. “We have asked Disney to build the Space Mountain ride in Johor, and we will put Dr. M on the ride 24-hours a day for 3 months. After that he’ll be ready,” Nazri clarified.

Elsewhere, Malaysian rumor mills are busy speculating that Siti is about to diversify into precious metal mining industry. “She is about to secure a mine and will start digging in August. Wait for the announcement in July,” a source told BKC.

Khairy and Kalimulah swore by books too

2006-06-17T00:20:00.000-07:00

Not to be outdone by Mathias, Khairy and Kalimulah summoned Malay, English and Tamil newspaper reporters to their press conference in Putrajaya last night.

Kalimulah started the attack by announcing that the duo will swear by their books to proof their innocence. “I swear by the Lord of the Rings and JRR Tolkien,” he said. “Inye sanya fuume o Khairy, inye melindo,” he went on to swear in broken Quenya. “If that is not the truth, may Tolkien return and hit me now,” he added. Khairy produced his complete Harry Potter collection and placed his palm on the Half-Blood Prince. “I may not be the full-blood prince, but I swear at least I am half-blood by marriage,” he declared.

To further back up his claim, Khairy went on to produce Anthony Robbins’ latest book, ‘Inner Strength: Harnessing the Power of your Father-in-law’. “I swear by every single word in this book,” he said. “Mr. Robbins is a genius mat salleh,” he added.

When asked for clarifications by BKC correspondent, Mr. Robbins confirmed that he indeed wrote the book based on Khairy. “According to our researcher, for him alone, the power of father-in-law is worth at least 1 trillion,” he said. “If you have a father-in-law, you should harness his power as soon as possible. Believe me, it won’t last forever,” he told BKC. “Buy and read my book if you don’t know how,” he clarified. Anthony went on to claim that as the first person in the new millennium to uncover the power of father-in-law, Khairy is indeed a world-class Malaysian. “He is a true visionary, I am writing to the Nobel committee to nominate him for the economics prize this year,” he declared.

Elsewhere, Proton revealed that the previous management decided to buy Augusta because they realized they don’t know how to make cars from scratch. “After we took over, we realized that we don’t know how to make motorcycle from scratch too,” Zainal said. “Rather than keeping two things we don’t know of, we decided to sell one. We will buy Double Happiness bicycle brand from China this year,” he explained.

Teachers' Pregnancies On The Rise

2006-06-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

Not more than a few weeks after hundreds of teachers were transferred to Johor, the state health officials reported huge increase in pregnancies among its graduate teachers. “This is mind boggling,” declared spokesperson Taktahu bin Sebab from Johor Bahru yesterday. “Their husbands are not around, and we have no idea how they can get pregnant this fast,” he added.

According to our correspondent in Johor, the state agency also reported huge increase in marriages, among teachers that were transferred to the state. “We handle nothing but hundreds of teachers’ marriages this week. All of them are graduates, and all of them are getting married for the second or third time,” Marilah binti Kawin, marriage registrar of the state said. “While most of them took conventional brides, a number of the teachers also opt for misyar marriage with fellow teachers who are also married,” she added. The state ICT infrastructure is said to be struggling to cope with sudden jump in application process. “Our Johor Super Corridor system crashed five times yesterday,” Marilah added.

While frowned upon by certain quarters, the cabinet’s decision to uphold the Education Department ruling is widely received as a masterstroke. “Only genius like Hishamuddin can come up with this,” Prof. Law Hiau of Self Help Institute said. “How else can you solve surplus women problem in Johor?” he asked.

Furthermore, according to Prof Law, coordination among government agencies in Malaysia shows that the country has achieved a world class status. “Before transferring the married teachers, they floated the misyar marriage idea to the public. Otherwise, these teachers will have problems fulfilling their needs,” he clarified. “It is indeed forward looking, very progressive and we profoundly owe our progress to the leadership and vision of Pak Lah in picking his cabinet members,” he added.

Elsewhere, in his latest act of defiance, Samy yesterday declared that he will not attend meeting with PAC and will try to sweet talk Bollywood actresses Urmila Matondkar and Esha Deol instead. “Both of them are upset and so am I,” Samy told reporters in Shah Alam. “We are disappointed that they are not doing the shootout movie, but I told them to come here to play-play with me because I can pay-pay,” he added.

Dr. M to search for answers

2006-06-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

Frustrated at not being able to get answers for his questions, Dr. M today announced that he is jumping on the ICT bandwagon and will look for answers from the internet himself. “None of them can give me answers, and I heard about this google thing,” he told reporters from his house this morning. “If I can’t get answers from Malaysian ministers, I am going to get it from Mat Sallehs who are definitely smarter. I wish someone told me earlier about the internet, I wouldn’t have created such a big commotion. No point asking half-past-six people for answers,” he added.

“I am going to google all my questions from now on,” Dr M vowed. “They got all the answers, just need to learn how to type and use mouse,” he added. According to daughter Marina, her father will start his ICT training today. “They are going to teach him how to use the mouse first,” she said. “We expect the training to last at least 1 year, after which he’ll be able to surf the net by himself,” she added. “I don’t think it’s too late, we’re sure by then he still won’t get his answers anyway,” she clarified.

Meanwhile at MITI, upon receiving the directive from Pak Lah, Rafidah today announced that she has directed her deputy to answer the questions posed by Dr. M because answering to a former PM is not listed in her job description. “Go and check Buku Panduan Menteri and tell me I am wrong,” she said defiantly. According to our source at MITI, her deputies are currently reading their Buku Panduan to determine if they too can be exempted from answering to a former PM. “I will direct my assistant if I don’t have to answer the questions,” Deputy Ahmad said. “I will come back to you next month,” Deputy Ng told reporters when asked whether he will answer the questions.

Elsewhere, Guinness Book of Records today announced the inclusion of Putrajaya Office of Department of Immigration for their achievement in making foreigners queue outside their office unnecessarily every day. “We have to create a new category, but I truly believe they deserve the inclusion,” Mr. Frigatti said. Pak Lah immediately congratulated the department for their world class status.

Ministers rushed behind Pak Lah

2006-06-09T01:40:00.000-07:00

Upon hearing the criticism leveled on Pak lah by Dr. M, UMNO ministers, led by Najib, rushed to get behind the PM yesterday. At the press conference to roomful of reporters in Putrajaya, a visibly worried Pak Lah tried to answer a few questions with other ministers seen jostling and pushing each other to get as close to the PM as possible. “My boss wants to make sure he is the first to stab the PM’s back when the time comes,” Angkat bin Bola, a minister’s aide explained. “Anyway, my boss thinks he is the rightful successor,” En. Angkat added.

“I had to rush home for my keris first. That’s why I was a late,” Hishamuddin said while regretting his missed opportunity. “I should have been the one in front,” he added. Rafidah was also spotted nearby, readying to throw herself at the PM. “My doctor said my weight will kill anyone,” she told her aide. While keris is the weapon of choice of most UMNO ministers, Najib was seen ready with his M16. “I kept this free gift from the supplier in the office, I know I may need it anytime,” he added.

Although no further incidents were reported, UMNO ministers are betting that real actions will happen during their next gathering. Throughout the incident, Ka Ting and Samy were busy calling their unholy trinity friends to place bets on the next PM. According to local unholy bookmakers, for the first time this week the bets on the next PM exceed the world cup bets.

According to Prof. Kaji bin Rasuah of UM, while Dr. M indulged in building bridges around Putrajaya, the treasury is broke because the new government has been betting heavily at Unholy Trinity outlets of Kuda-Toto-Magnum. “That’s why Pak Lah has been listless lately,” he said. “All the predictions from his son-in-law turn out to be duds,” he added.

Elsewhere, a campaign to inform rural Malaysians on the new airline was launched yesterday. For the next two weeks, millions of leaflets will be scattered from the air to ensure the folks are properly informed with simple message. It reads, ‘Now MAS can’t fly’.

Proton Unveiled New Partner

2006-06-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

After years of searching for a suitable partner, Proton today unveiled their new joint venture with Chinese car maker Felali. “We admit we can’t sell original cars anymore, but we don’t know how to copy properly. We need the Chinese expertise,” Zainal said to a roomful of reporters.

According to Zainal, at the current rate of decline, Proton will be out of buyers by 2008, and something must be done to reverse the trend. “Based on our scientific research, Malaysians and Mat Salleh tourists like to buy fake luxury goods and DVDs. We need to tap into this market with cheap fakes. People really don’t care if it’s Proton inside as long as it’s Mercedes or BMW outside,” he added.

An unnamed source at Proton told BKC Review that the company is appealing for special approval from Najib to allow Proton to hire Chinese speaking employees from China and discriminate against those who can’t. “Without these guys, we’ll be out of business. I’m sure Najib won’t like this, but we can’t do much,” he said.

Furthermore, Proton also unveiled their new sales and distribution strategy. “We are recruiting those Chinese and English speaking Malaysians with experience in selling fake goods,” he added. “We will have thousands of roadside retail outlets and delivery will be handled by walkie-talkies,” he added.

Elsewhere, an internal survey conducted by PDRM revealed that all Police personnel are against the setting up of the IPCMC because all of them don’t want to share their daily commission with the new Commissioner. “It’s our rice bowl. How to share?” an unnamed policeman asked.

Malaysian Businesses Comply Eagerly

2006-06-02T04:11:00.000-07:00

Upon hearing Najib’s advice, employers all over Malaysia were busy hiring indiscriminately yesterday. “I hired a bunch of sales assistants who can only speak Bahasa yesterday. Now, those Chinese and foreigners who want to enter my shop must learn Bahasa first,” Mohan said proudly. “We must make Bahasa the language of the first world,” he added.

“I also told all my overseas customers to speak Bahasa when they call our office. They must also draw pictures instead of writing letters because my new secretary can’t read or write,” Chan from Balakong said. “They must learn our language when they want to do business with us. It’s the only way for our country to become developed nation,” he added.

Society of Know Nothing People (SKNP) president, Tak bin Tahu, hailed DPM’s comment as a major step towards the hiring of people who know nothing. “Private sector should emulate our government’s racially blind policy,” he said. “Ever since the government adopted the policy of being blind to the needs of all races but one, our country has enjoyed tremendous progress. We now have so many first world buildings,” he added.

Pointing to the current government hiring policy, he said that private sector employers must be given quota to hire people who know nothing. “Look at those in the government, no more than 5% know something, and we have world class government service, top notch ministers,” he said. He went on to claim that 99.99% of his members are government ministers, government servants or unemployed.

According to Tak bin Tahu, although DPM only mentioned Mandarin as an example, employers should remove all other requirements at once to eliminate discrimination. “Why must they demand only degree holders? You don’t need to have those things to work,” he added. “It’s not fair for those who don’t have degrees. We have the right to be hired,” he clarified.